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Our 5-yr-old: Alone But Not Lonely

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. --Wayne Dyer

Our 5-yr-old: Alone But Not Lonely
by Ragunath Padmanabhan, Jan 15, 2012

 

Our 5-yr-old son Aum had been playing on his own at the farm for two hours. About an hour into it, my wife Nisha admonished me: "You really enjoyed your childhood with your two siblings, kids in the neighborhood and at school.

 

Now look at him, being alone, no one to play with and nowhere to go. Do something!" 4 years ago, we'd made a conscious leap into a rural India, leaving high-tech careers in the Silicon Valley to do natural farming.

 

Nisha has just as much conviction about our decision as I do, and yet, on occasion, she and many other loved ones have genuinely felt bad because Aum does not have company. He is our only child and he doesn't go to school (we farm-school him) and there are only three kids in the nearby farms, none of whom have much time for him since they go to school).

 

Everyone in Aum's life is concerned about his loneliness. Except Aum and me. The evidence that he is not "lonely" or "bored" is right in front of everyone's eyes -- when we are not engaged with him, Aum is busy most of the time with his own thoughts, things, games, dancing, etc. Occasionally he throws in his share of mischief and tantrums, just to remind us that he is a kid. Otherwise, I have never seen him unhappy for the reasons most adults in his life feel he "should" be unhappy.

 

Aum does not have the company of his peers as much or as frequently as other kids. We don't have a TV at home. We have never bought him any toys except one lego set and one tinkertoys box that Nisha got after she felt bad about not having bought any toy for him. Most of his clothes are gifted by family and friends. We give him one or two candies a week and ice cream once a month. He doesn't have cookies, chocolates, carbonated drinks, fast food or any snack that comes in a package and is sold in a retail store. He must be one miserable kid, right? If I say, "No", one might respond with, "Well, he doesn't know what he is missing and he is being brought up in an extremely protective environment." Not true either.

 

He knows the reasons for all the choices we have made for him and he has willingly embraced them. In fact, he is ever-ready to explain his choices to anyone who wants to know. He has tasted/experienced everything other kids have and is presented the opportunities many times, given our frequent visits to many relatives and friends in different places. Of course he gets tempted at times and rebels. Steering away from the extremes of bribing and punishing, we manage to strike a balance and help him stick to his better choices.

 

He doesn't have grand ideas and concepts for what would bring him happiness. He is just fully living his life. Everything has meaning for him. He doesn't overlook this moment expecting another; he is not chasing after anything and has no plans for tomorrow. He goes around as if he has an unlimited reserve of energy, curiosity, time, faith and willingness to be engaged with whatever and whoever comes his way as if ... as if he intuitively knows what he wants. If he could answer the question "What do you want in your life?" it would probably be, "I don't know, but I want it all anyway, moment by moment." And he does not seem to be bothered if many of those moments are spent alone. But it does rattle quite a few others.

 

To my mind, the rural and middle-class people of the last generation and before, had the right perspective on elusive states like peace, happiness, joy etc. They communicated through many proverbs and clichés -- that meaningful engagement at work, being with family and friends and with oneself, pretty much covered all the real causes of happiness and peace. The meaning for engagement could come from both tragic and comic life situations (and more often than not, their lives were full of tragic meaning). People did not make decisions with the sole focus on whether it would make them happy. Happiness was just one of the considerations. Perhaps meaning was a more important consideration. There is no other way to explain sacrifices that I know of in history and even in my own family. My own father has always been a happy-go-lucky man all his life, in spite of having access to very limited resources, very few choices and very many responsibilities. I look at him and I know I can be happy, no matter what.

 

 

Being in the farming world, someone asked me recently whether there is a specific gene in fruits that give them sweetness. He speculated that if we could find that gene, then we could increase the quality and quantity of sweetness in fruits. But what if sweetness is not an isolated characteristic of a fruit? What if it is the culminating effect of the entire growth process -- from seed to ripening?

 

 

Of course, we don't eat fruit that is not ripe and sweet. But do we eat fruit only for its sweetness?

 

Would anyone be satisfied to extract only the sweetness of a fruit and take it as a tablet?

 

Can happiness, then, be had at any moment as an instant thing to be consumed?

 

Yet, we behave every moment of our lives as if our only aim is to avoid everything that would bring unhappiness and seek things that would bring happiness:

 

Being alone, having nothing to do, sacrifices, inconveniences, criticism, waiting, bad luck, randomness, an uncertain future ... these are supposed to bring unhappiness and we avoid them.
Constant engagement of mind/and or body with work, people or entertainment, selfishness, creature comforts, instant gratification, security, certainty, greed ... these are supposed to bring happiness and we seek them at any cost.

 

 

The Art of Happiness has been lost perhaps because by chasing it, we have chased it away. The Art of Suffering has been lost perhaps because by running away from it we have tightened its knot on us.
Many saints and religions have said that it is human nature to be constantly oscillating between cravings and aversions. Knowing this, throughout history, people in all cultures created norms, rituals, customs, traditions, practices, ceremonies and attitudes to contain excitement and embrace difficulties (the middle path, the golden mean). In fact, “to mature into an adult” was supposed to mean that one has learned to discern and implement his or her cultural baggage without superficially considering it as a burden. Even blindly following one’s culture was considered better than simply being blind to it. Yet that is precisely what seems to have happened on the backs of our over-sized, over-paced materialistic and technological growth. If we were to personify our zeitgeist, it would be a person with over-sized hands, legs and brain. And a small, feeble heart. No wonder we eat but we starve; we have more of everything and feel empty; we can do everything super-fast and yet do not have enough time for anything.

 

 

Our idea of moving to a farm in a village was to create a space from scratch in which we could reinvent many of those old, middle-path practices to suit our current potentials and pathologies.

 

Outside of the context of our farm (and sometimes even within), I find it difficult to follow these values and practices because, I guess, the human psyche has seen too much evidence of the inefficacy of the old secrets. I often feel like a fully-suited man in a beach. But it is only because we have hurriedly created suffocating spaces that have given birth to many unskillful and even vicious cycles. What we need are airy and nourishing spaces where we can relearn the old arts.

 

 

I am only 38, yet I feel like an old man of another era when I catch myself reacting to someone's complaints or ambitions that are normal in this era. I am neither poor, nor rich, nor middle class. I am in the process of going off-the-class. Yet, I'd like to keep the older middle-class attitudes towards life.

 

Without the aid of great philosophy or religion, all the secrets of everyday happiness - hard work, honesty, grit, grace, patience, wonderment, contentment, romance, even innocence – it was all there in that class. I'd like to be a permanent student in that class and have my son Aum be the teacher.

 

________________________________________

 

 

This story is printed here with permission from the author. Ragunath Padmanabhan and his wife Nisha Srinivasan share updates on natural farming and holistic living at Greenlocal.org -- their "experiment in laying a new path on an old road that leads to simplicity, sustainability and, dare we say, spirituality."

 

 

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Inside an eco home: What life is like when you don’t have bills
By Yahoo! staff writer

Jane and Stephen Frances' eco home outside Ely
By Harriet Meyer

Energy bills are burning a hole in consumers' pockets, with the cost of heating and lighting the average home amounting to an eye-watering £1,200 a year, according to the Energy Saving Trust.
But some households manage to reduce or even wipe out these bills entirely by putting in place eco measures to reduce their energy consumption.

So what's life like for these eco-enthusiasts off the grid? Don't all those green tweaks and energy-saving measures get in the way of daily life?

 

Eco home in the woods

Jane and Stephen Frances, 56 and 53 respectively, are reaping the benefits of life in a 'green' home and find their quality of life is much improved. The couple bought a four-bed house made entirely from natural materials in the Fens outside Ely two years ago (pictured above).

"We saw it online and at first were scared of its unusual qualities — but we love it now," says Jane. "It's built from natural materials, so made primarily from timber, straw bales, clay and lime — and the roof is made of shingles which are a kind of wooden tiles."

Alongside the structure, the couple have installed a multitude eco-friendly measures to reduce their energy usage.

These include a wood-burning stove, for which they gather wood from the surrounding land, solar thermal to generate renewable power on the roof and rainwater harvesting — so there is an area on the roof where rainwater is collected in tanks to reduce the use of mains water.

"From April to October we really don't heat the water at all because the sun heats it, so we benefit from extremely low energy bills during these months," says Jane. "We also have an air-source heat pump, which is a low temperature heat source — and we aim to be self-sufficient by growing our own vegetables."

 

Jane and Stephen's garden

However, it's not just the odd eco-home around the country that includes a range of green measures.

Driven by the Government's 10—year plan for all new homes to be carbon neutral by 2016 many developers are building energy—efficient apartment blocks around the UK.

After all, a staggering 50% of the UK's carbon footprint comes from running buildings, according to the UK Green Buildings Council, so concern over climate change is seeing developers devise new ways to reduce their impact.

 

A feat of eco design

An example is One Brighton, built jointly by Crest Nicholson and sustainable developer BioRegional Quintain and completed in 2010, which comprises 172 studio, one and two-bedroom "eco apartments" in the New England quarter.

About 58% of the concrete frame is made from recycled materials, reducing carbon emissions by a third.

 

The aim of the project was to build a community designed to run entirely on renewable energy — and it appears to have succeeded. Principles include achieving zero-waste status through recycling and composting, building using sustainable materials wherever possible, implementing sustainable transport solutions and applying measures to support local suppliers, food and wildlife.

 

TheTop of FormBottom of Form energy on site comes from a renewable wood-fuelled boiler and photovoltaic array on the roof, with green electricity supplied from eight wind turbines. All communal areas use eco lightbulbs, with all fitted appliances being A or AA-energy rated. There is also an on-site composter.

 


The eco development One Brighton

But what are the benefits? As the 'zero carbon sustainable community' shares the building's environment facilities, you're likely to get to know your neighbours — so it's a sociable place with a shared sense of purpose.

 

How you can use less energy

Wherever you live there are various methods of incorporating energy-saving measures into your lifestyle to save energy in your home. Here is a selection from the Energy Saving Trust:

 

• Turn your room heating thermostat down by 1C to cut your heating bills by up to 10%.
• You can get foams and sealants available at most DIY stores to combat poor ventilation and draughts.
• Insulating your loft is also worthwhile to cut bills, as the recommended 270mm depth can be installed at a cost of a few hundred pounds — and you could save around £100 a year on your bills.
• Also, lag your pipes and water tank at the same time for maximum efficiency by fitting a British Standard jacket around your hot water cylinder — this can cut heat loss by over 75%.
• A third of the heat in an un-insulated home is lost through the walls. There are two wall types — solid walls and cavity walls. Both can be insulated to improve the energy efficiency of a property. If the home was built from 1920 onwards there is a good chance it has cavity walls. A home with un-insulated cavity walls could cost up to £135 more to run each year than one with insulated cavities, so it's worth finding out the state of play.
• You should replace your boiler roughly every 15 years and opt for an 'A' rated appliance which uses less energy and is also more environmentally friendly. Standard efficiency boilers that you may have had for ten years or more are only 50% efficient. Replacing a G rated boiler could save around £300 a year on running costs. Worcester's 'A' rated condensing boilers, for example, are particularly efficient.
• Double-glazed windows can save up to £165 on heating bills compared to a single-glazed property.
• Heavy lined curtains can help keep the heat in if double-glazing can't be fitted.

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