Going back to the beginning, where & when it started.

it was 2013 when i began this awaking.

i had been doing hard drugs all night and for years leading up to this.

i had been smoking something like 3 grams in a night once a month.

this was my pattern of living at that time. i had been using for a few years starting out of the desire to lose weight and depression giving in and giving up. the drug would remove me form everything and i would feel at peace for the first times. it was this that i was truly addicted to.

the feeling of peace that came from a drug.

one night i had been "lucky" to get a good deal and got a little more then would normally do in one sitting.

i smoked and smoked and by the end of it i felt no peace, i felt like i was going to die and i was ok with it.

i went in my room i was renting at the time and laid in my bed feeling my heart throb in my chest rise and fall slowly. i felt myself getting really heavy, i could not move and i felt as tho my heart was going to stop.. its beat slowed and slowed.. i felt it in waves Wub... Dub...wub....dub. slow and steady

i felt it slowing until i blacked out.

i begin to dream.

i was watching from the 3rd person perspective

no body, just seeing from above the stage.

it was an old Zoo concrete and iron bars and stretched in a circle, cages on the inside and out sides of the circle all filled with different animals. i see myself sitting on the rim of concrete at the edge of the bar's.

inside laying down is a male lion. im a being with wings and light armor. what i would imagine an angelic looks like black hair, gray wings, what looks like black leather and silver armor.

im sitting talking to the Lion he is laying trying to sleep, iv awoken him to ask my questions.

its night and the stars are out so too is the moon so i can see clear as the day.

i ask the question i have come here to ask: do you not miss your freedom ? do you not miss being wild and free, do you not miss the hunt and keeping what you kill?

the old Lion reply's "i know not what you speak of, for you see my entire life has been living in captivity, so you see child iv always been in this cage from day of my birth. i know nothing of the wilds, i know nothing of the hunt and what it means to keep what i kill.

it is then that i begin to cry for the lion. this is when i become determinant i was going to do something about it.

at that moment the guard of the Zoo arrived with his big light pointed blinding me of his face.

"you do not belong in here" the man speaks

i stand, wings visible to the man as i turn to face him.

he see;s me but is not afraid. begins to come to me.

i move quicker then light as i make my way to the wall surrounding the place, i turn and the man is already behind me.

i face him as the light blinds me, "your not supposed to be in here" he tells me again..

i look into the light and pop off the ground by a few inches maneuver behind him and over the wall be fore he has the time to turn n see me fly. over the wall now walking down the road for no reason other then to think and enjoy it, the guard then comes up behind me again. again the light is blinding and he tells me even now out side the Zoo walls "You are not supposed to be in here" i say to him "you have no clue what you are dealing with", that moment pushing off the ground with all my straight and with one good push of my wings blasted into the star's of the sky like a shooting star leaving the planet.

this is when i awoke.

my entire body hurt and i felt as tho i had not breathed in years.

above all of what my body was feeling i knew something i had not known when i laid in it.

i am not human, i am an angelic of sorts or just a being with wings what ever name you want to give or call it, i took this as meaning i was one.

i feel so lost and confused even so meany years after iv not solved this puzzle.. i may have made it worse for myself by trying to dig and put peaces where they do not belong so i could give myself some answer for the light and dark that i feel struggling with in me all the time

but its never gone away. in fact its only gotten more present. the more iv taken time to dig the more in-touch with the energy of it iv become,

yet now years later iv come to understand that this is not the only spirit that resides with in me. my spirit seams to be made of 3 parts. one part is the angelic one part is some kind of human animal hybrid i know nothing of other then they are my instincts when they take over i become the animal. the other is me the human observer and participant in all of this. its my body and im the one in control but i feel the other two in me all the time fighting for who gets to take over control.

maybe i am possessed to some degree. but they are beings who have come to me in my most dire need and have become part of me along the way.. we are becoming one. the lifetimes we are living together are what is fusing our souls to as one..

there has been times of pain and compete darkness that i cried out for anything that was listening to take me. iv opened myself and asked for beings to straight take over my body in my darkest moments

iv asked both the devil and god i do not believe in to take my spirit away from here that i wanted out more then anything else i just did not want to be alive and i could not handle it..

i know what i have suffered in this life is nothing compared to others but that dose not change the fact pain is pain no mater the reason for it.

i wanted out and i opened myself to anything that wanted to take my place.

i did not get to leave and be replaced.

no rather they came to me and are living in side me.

they are me now.

we are one its been so long.

i find it funny i know this but i can not explain why or how. i just feel it.

when im writing im able to speak to them and they are able to speak with me. its in this place of text and screen that we are able to communicate. i feel them all the time like aspects of self. yet i am aware of the individuality of each.

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